The Dad I Needed
I wish that I could say that I was a Daddy’s girl when he was here on earth. My father had been through a lot when he was a child, however, I didn’t figure it all out until twenty-three years after his death. He was child of divorce in the 1930’s when children were seen as less than because of their parents’ breakup. At eight years old, he was sent to live in a Catholic boarding school which is now on the list for some of the most child molestation cases by priest. He would never talk about his childhood even to my mother. He only said that he cried every night when he was put into the school and no one ever came to pick him up. He was sent there by his parents year after year until he left himself at seventeen to go into the Navy. He served in WWII.
I don’t believe that he knew how to love children as he never felt his parents’ love himself. I can’t speak for the rest of the children in my family, but I never felt that he even liked me much less loved me. When he passed away, I was not aware of any of his childhood, I only reminisced about my own. So, when I went to a priest for help in recovering from his loss, I thought that the priest would fall out of his chair with my response to his sympathy.
As he sat across from me at his big desk, he tried to console me by telling me that my father was in a better place and eventually losing him would not hurt so much. He was shocked when I turned and said, “That’s not why I am crying, Father.” “I’m crying for the loss of the father that he never was to me.” “I’m crying because he has no more chances to become a good dad.” Not knowing what to say, the priest quickly wrapped up our meeting, but, my father did not. Our loved ones are listening. They do want another chance and will help you the way that you need if you only open your heart to them.
I left the priest’s office with no resolve from him whatsoever. But, my father was listening and sought out to get my attention that he was still very much alive just in a different form. It took me a long time to forgive him for his outburst and cruel names that he called me when I was little and as an adult. To be clear, my father never molested me or any of my siblings, thank God. He was, however, quick to temper and abusive in language and action.
It was the little things at first. A businessman himself, I thought I should put him to the test on those types of decision when I was perplexed. I would be sent little signs and answers to questions but one day, I had no choice but to know he was working so hard to become the dad that I needed him to be. Our loved ones will work hard and relentlessly to show their love. They will not give up on you.
On one Spring Day I was sitting on a bench with my youngest child. I had an idea to build a covering for outdoor ceremonies at my venue. It was going to look like an outdoor church with no walls. The undertaking and expense were huge. We were doing okay at the venue, which we purchased after Hurricane Katrina, but not enough to see ourselves being able to survive long term and support our seven children. I had a magazine in my lap and I was watching my youngest son play football on the side street of our home. I closed my eyes and said, “Dad, I’m scared.” “I could lose my house if I don’t get more business.” But, if I take out another loan to build on and it fails to bring more business, we will lose everything including the house.” “Please send me a sign that I cannot explain.” “I need you dad!” Just then, there was a raindrop that landed on my magazine. As it started to drizzle, I looked above me at the one dark cloud above that hovered only above my little bench. My son and his friends continued to play in the sunshine! As suddenly as it came, it disappeared! It was my sign to build that pavilion to have outdoor weddings, rain or shine. And, I took his advice. We built it and it changed everything. Business did not double; it quadrupled in the next year. I have continued to ask him for help as if he were sitting right in front of me since that wonderful day and he always sends a clear sign. Our loved ones want a relationship. Sometimes it takes a few years to get over who they were when they were here on earth. But, if you can do that, they want to help.
I am now forever a Daddy’s Girl. He found a way to love me after all.
Jill Mercer
